James Luke’s Deadly Sanctuary

February 12, 2016

Flashback Friday: Paincast from WOP (Black Diamond Lounge Edition)

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 9:34 pm

Friday

YouTubery

Gandalf Sax: An uninterrupted loop of Gandalf nodding approvingly while some sexy, mood-setting sax plays along.  The perfect way to set to tone for coming pain.

10 Hours of Arnold: Truth in advertising.  Ten hours of Arnold’s greatest moments on the silver screen, loop.  Nyyyeaaahh.

Absolutely No Words (Parts I & II): The end result if one were to remove all the works from WWE’s Golden Age of smack talk, leaving only heavy breathing and gesticulations in its wake.  Brutal.

Randy Savage – Best Interviews: Cocaine is one hell of a drug.  Oooooohyeeeeeah.

Hulk Hogan & Macho Man on Cocaine: See above, brother.

Dino Boy in the Lost Valley of the Worm People: Astralplay unleashed this upon us because he is a bad person that does mean things to those he cares about.

Picture Pages with Bill Cosby: Not pictured?  An alibi for decades of monstrous behaviour.

House of Cosbys: Submitted by Frenchimus Maximus.  Multiple cartoon Cosbys and a plot as thin as the actual Cosby’s moral fiber do not a good thing make.

Way of the Master (Lesson One): Another Astralplay submission.  Jesus is good.  Let TV’s Kirk Cameron show you the error of your ways, you hedonistic fools.

Hell’s Best Kept Secret: A masterclass work in theological debate.

First Republican Debate Highlights – 2015 Bad Lip-Reading: Sadly, this made The Donald appear exceptionally for coherent that the real-life version.

 

Saturday

YouTubery:

Hitler Gangnam-Style:

100 Yo Mama Jokes: YOUR MAMA IS SO [BLANK] SHE [PAINFULLY AWFUL JOKE].  CUE 3-SECOND CARTOON.  Wash.  Rinse.  Repeat until brain dead.

Girls Can Whack It – Girls Play: Reaction shots of female gamers as they play a “Whack Your Ex” vidja game.

Racist Mario: Still more level-headed than Donald Trump.

Ghost Pepper Challenge: Stoopid kids eat ghost peppers and film their pain.  For good measure Twisto and Frenchimus Maximus believed it would be wise to follow in their footsteps with ghost pepper jerky.  The results were sub-optimal.

HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA (5-HR Loop): … and I say, “what’s going on?”

Features:

Ninja Cheerleaders: Submitted by CrazyLegs.  Akward and creepy exchanges between grown men and young women that happen to be high-school honour students that are also nightclub dancers that are also cheerleaders that are also ninjas.  At least they managed to get their tuition to go to college.

Bat-Man (1966): … sometimes you just can’t get rid of a bomb.  Twisto’s submission.  Terrible riddles, puns, and yet still far superior to anything Joel Schumacher ever did to franchise.

Life in the Bowling Lane: Frenchimus Maximus brings us an undated exploration of an unfunny comic attempting to date from the confines of the bowling alley.  Obviously produced in the 1980’s, IMBD credits its release as 2005.  The Unknown Comic is welcomed to continuing toiling in anonymity and silence.

Skateboard Kid: Brought to us by Astralplay.  It’s the story of a young man learning about life and responsibility while possessing a magical skateboard.  That has powers … and 90s attitude … and stuff …

Somehow, someone made a sequel to this garbage.

 

Highlights from this WOP included:

  • Astralplay’s sandal tan.
  • FetalFury + Alcohol + Salt Water Taffy = Good Times.
  • “A dog will do whatever a kid will do.  Because kids are dogs.”
  • “You can’t drink commandments.”
  • “We’re getting labia tattoos!”
  • Lastly, but most importantly, Scud/Twisto/FetalFury kindly suppressing their urge to kill while withstanding the goings on at Black Diamond Lounge.

… we shall never speak of bringing the ladies to BDL ever again.

Until next time.

Frenchimus Maximus

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May 21, 2014

Weekend of Pain 01.I.AB: INAPPROPRIATE

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 4:41 am

Greetings, fellow Paininites.  Once again, we descended upon Londonia to live by his rule.  As Torgo, it was my pleasure to look after things while the Master is away.

Much like an organism, exposed to non-eco-friendly plankton and poorly recorded audio, the WOP evolves and mutates …

ACTIVITIES

Star Wars Mad Libs: Scud introduced us to rounds of  hilarious and INAPPROPRIATE word play.  We learned clever uses of the Force, not to let someone touch your vaginal sideburns (the form of intergalactic currency, not the genital fashion trend) with their butthole glands, and especially to carefully guard your titties from an angered Wookie bested in a game of testicles.

Yankee Swap/Rummage Box: Taking a page from the set design of She, Frenchimus Maximus’ inadvertently provided a care package that attendees of this WOP were able to make their own, provided that their chosen item was not pried from their hands by another enterprising Paininite.  As the old saying goes, one septuagenarian Quebecois man’s plague for forty-two years of service at a textile mill is another man’s treasure.

YOUTUBERY

Spin Doctors “Two Princes” Loop: … andifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnowandifyouliketotellmemaybejustgoaheadnow …

Summertime: A preemptive experiment to determine a lifetime’s worth of therapy bills as a father’s lasting legacy to his children.

All That and World War 2: The only take away from this is that perhaps the Holocaust wouldn’t have been so abhorrent and inhumane if someone had a time machine, a boom box, and a collection of Sir Paul McCartney’s discography.

Best of Macho Man, Part 1: Oooooooohyeeeehaw, the cream always rises to the top, ooooohyeeeeeeaaaaahh.  A stunning introspective on how cocaine, steroids, and neon can shape one man’s view upon his world and himself.

SHORTS

God Made Me (2004): Cornering the market on religious-based, poor-disguised Baby Einstein rip-offs, The Mother of Dachshunds provided us with her first foray into WOPery.  Rainbows, hands doing very questionable acts with phallic  objects, and Scud’s favourite – fanny-ticklin’ feathers.

FEATURES

Creatures From the Abyss (1994): Bright teenagers with promising futures do what bright teenagers with promising futures do – venture out to sea on a dingy as night descends and act nonchalantly when the encounter a floating corpse.  They soon learn that the abandoned laboratory yacht isn’t what it seems.  As a protip to other bright teens with promising futures: Don’t eat the fish sticks.  Don’t bang it out with a dude in a yellow shirt.  Don’t vomit whole beetles.  Don’t forget fish-rape. Do listen to the on-board computer when it asks why you’re taking too long to get the eff out of Dodge.

This film set a very ominous tone for the remainder of the weekend.  Who’d of thunk plankton would be the downfall of humanity.

Birdemic 2 (2013): Ugh.  CyberStorm and H3 teamed up to assault us with a story of a man, a cornucopia of blondes, prehistoric birds of prey, unlimited ammunition clips, zombies, caveman curb-stompin’ and incredibly lazy CGI.  Like reverse Redshirts, every character wearing green survived.  How fitting for a poop-tacular extravaganza that set a heavy-handed message from Captain Planet.

Bonus points for Millard-esque conversations on a bridge shot in entirely different locations for the sake of ham-fisted exposition.

Additional bonus points for the worst CGI of this weekend: No jellyfish, swimmers, birds, or ambulances were harmed in the making of this cinematic disaster.

Shriek of the Sasquatch (2011): A retro-inspired (read: constant reminders of the creators’ trip to the back of an abandoned Value Village) flick keeping the theme of nature vs. man.  A collection of poorly-sewn together wigs brutally mutilates men while their female companions offer no reaction.  Even gross random torsos, a CrazyLegs specialty, could not save this calamity.  Eventually, the Wigsquatch decides to kill a few humans with female reproductive organs, which leads us to a surprise twist … or an example of British dental care in the 70s.

Dragon Hunt (English-to-German audio translation with German-to-English YouTube translated subtitles): Astralplay draws back into the vault and unleashed this … thing upon us.  Veteran Paininites were able to relive the promotional video from Toronto’s favourite mustachioed sibling karate duo.  Various villains are encountered and beaten, much like an 80s video game, which sounds much more exciting than this feature was.  Eventually YouTube gave up and offered no assistance in translating multiple times over.  Astralplay has concurred the machine.  He is the Neo of bad movies.

Ninja Enforcer (unconfirmed): Lies!  This VHS promised a captivating tale of two female ninjas rescuing their kidnapped master and billed itself as being created in 1994.  What we received was a hot box with a dawg, a cuddle (non-boner) party on a futon, and a total waste of precious time.  Featuring fight sequences that streched out more than The Mother of Dachshunds’ … sandles, the only highlight of this train-wreck was a bald dude’s lust for melons.

 

In summation, it was my honour to hold the title of Torgo while the Master is away.  I pass the torch on to the awful, capable, and despicable hands of Traxxx.  Until next time.

February 20, 2014

WOP, Whatever Numeral It Is: Live By His Rule!

Filed under: WOP — by jamesluke @ 6:53 pm

There have been… some changes.

This medium is, to say the least, so utterly inadequate for such a discussion that it will just not be conducted here.

We shall therefore carry on with the most recent Weekend of Pain: Whatever Numeral It Is: Live By His Rule!

Like a phoenix, the WOP has arisen from the ashes to LIVE BY HIS RULE. Congregating in Londonia, members of the JLS cobbled together an arrangement of pain. Members then dispersed throughout the province as carriers of an unknown plague and some now suffer the snotty effects accordingly.

The following collection has been overwhelmingly described as “mind-numbing”:

Films:

1. Copper Mountain (1983) – starring Jim Carey and Alan Thick
2. Thor: Hammer of the Gods (2009) – starring Zachery Ty Bryan
3. Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2003) – starring Billy Zane and his navel
4. Satan’s Black Wedding (1975) – directed by Nick Millard (as Philip Miller)
5. Illegal Aliens (2007) – starring Anna Nicole Smith
6. License To Drive (1998) – starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman and extreme misogyny
7. Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) – starring George Peppard

YouTubery:

A. No less than 6 versions of the exact same big band arrangement of Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds”, posted as follows:
_i. Big Band Escuela Naval – Against all odds – Phil Collins. by LEOUHNO
_ii. Against All Odds / Phil Collins – Sgt Buriti (Solo) – EEAR by ThiagoBuritisax
_iii. Against All Odds – Anderson Freitas sax – Gerald albright solo – by Anderson Freitas
_iv. Against All Odds SOLO SAX FABIO by acontece vale
_v. Against All Odds/Concerto da independencia by Eric Silva
_vi. Proerces Against all odds Banda de música da PMMS em Sidrolândia 28/04/11 by Proerces
B. The 1986 Emmy Awards: TV Stars and Their Theme Songs by henrybwalthall
C. Sexy Sax Man Careless Whisper Prank feat. Sergio Flores (directors cut) by mike diva 2
D. The Last Japanese Massage Chair you want to sit on by quadmillion (aka Super Massage Chair)
E. Captain EO (Epcot) – starring Michael Jackson
F. NIGGA TURTLES EPISODES 1,2,3 AND 4 by FernandoGoldenTV

Taking care of the place while the Master is away: this event’s Torgo was Astralplay.

The challenge was a random text asking “Yo. Who’s the kid from Home Improvement? Not JTT.”

To add (delicious) insult to injury, CS and H3 were trapped on the highway on the way home by a blazing inferno with nothing to sustain them but cupcakes.

That is all.

~ CyberStorm (incubation mode)

December 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 1:53 am

Ok so while I was thinking over the criteria for the next W.O.P. my mind wandered over all the past entries I’ve made, and some of my favourites. I’ve decided to compile a list of my favourite entries. I’m using the term ‘favourite’ loosely; on the one hand it refers to the pleasure and pain of viewing the film, including all of the crappy elements that make up the film itself; on the other, i’m thinking of the specific contexts in which such films are produced, distributed, and ultimately purchased–usually at some crummy pawn shop. I encourage you all to do the same. I’ll try to write little reviews for each, but for now, just the list itself. Here goes, in no particular order;

The Terrorists

Deadly Sanctuary

Breeders

Vibrations

Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster

Milpitas Monster

Galaxy Invader

Disco Godfather

Asylum of Satan

Roboman

December 28, 2008

W.O.P. 28-Day 2 & 3

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 3:44 pm

The pain continues on the second and third days. Despite rapid shifts in the weather, a spooky house filled with critters, an army of alarms, levels of technological complexity not seen since the Manhattan Project, and a rift in the time space continuum that prevented us from marking the passage, the Paininites managed to press on. The second day did not begin well…

Showgirls (1995/ 2008-Spike TV ‘family’ edit)—Wu-Li-Long-Wang

Instead of doing the obvious and just showing a bargain bin copy of this failed Elizabeth Berkeley film, Wu-Li-Long-Wang the scoundrel that he is, thrust upon us an obscenely edited version that included digital braziers, you know, so as to not offend Spike TV watchers. It’s easy to understand why Berkley did not go on to do much else (and if you look really closely in the background you can see the cast of SBTB filming Vegas Wedding, for which Berkley only made a cameo appearance). I’m told Berkley now runs an organization helping young girls build their self-esteem by extolling the virtues of inner beauty and self-confidence. I’m assuming this is to prevent another Showgirls-like film from ever being made, and for that, I commend her. Wu-Li-Long-Wang on the other hand demonstrates his keen ability for nefariousness and decrepitude; an extremely soul-crushing, yet sinisterly inspired, choice. I think the greater evil in all this is the extensive time, energy, and resources put into digitally masking boobs (seriously, who thought that was a good idea!?!?), only to include ‘Girls Gone Wild’ promos every commercial break. This makes baby jesus cry….moving on;

Ironman Magazine’s Sexy Swimsuit #5 Spectacular (The Hottest, Fittest woment in the world)–Zombella

Now I have nothing against the female figure, but for some reason this Weekend of Pain was particularly ruthless in distorting, hiding, defiling, and otherwise disrespecting what we have all consciously or unconsciously come to love: boobs. Under the guise of soft-core pornography—or some kind of bizarre nude fitness competition—this series of vignettes featuring silicon enhanced ‘ladies’ acts more as an infomercial for cosmetic surgery (or perhaps a deterrent…?) than an video for lonely guys. Time to eat your sex chips fellas…

Ouch (or: the trials and tribulations of Wu-Li-Long-Wang—a film in three movements)—Wu-Li-Long-Wang

It takes balls to submit one’s recorded personal failing for public viewing, and so I must give credit. Though our Kung-Fu protagonist fails to defeat his various challengers (who appear to have abnormal strength, stamina, and the ability to teleport), we all learned an important lesson: never be a vicim anywhere near a camera—it will inevitably be made into the object of ridicule by someone. This movie would have been better if John Saxon made an appearance…

LionMan (1980)—Wu-Li-Long-Wang

The short lived Turkish film industry of the 70s & 80s surely stands as one of the most productive ever (I hear they do good work in New York City…). In a brief period of time this small, under-funded, ragtag assembly of geniuses and visionaries produced some of the most spectacular films ever viewed at a W.O.P. Turkish Star War & Tarkan are but two examples of this inspired group. LionMan does not disappoint. Instead, it further affirms what all of us already knew: the Turkish smoke a lot of hash. TONS OF HASH. Srsly. I think if anything, this was the ‘high’ point of the weekend. We should all live our lives according to the stories and themes of Turkish cinema. Amen.

Primary Voltaic Cells—Wu-Li-Long-Wang

Science is a wonderful thing. Sadly, science can also be mind-numbingly boring, but let me ask you this: is having a functioning pager boring? Or how bout listening to that sony walkman, is that boring? Well you better listen up, cuz you’ll learn a lot about stuff that makes stuff go.

Jean Paul II: un pelerinage de foi, d’esperance, et d’amour (1984)—F. Max

If, for some strange reason, the devil wanted to assume the form of an inanimate object surely he would choose a 90 minute ‘documentary’ on the Pope’s 1984 visit to Canada narrated solely in French. Evil incarnate. Luckily this was not, and never will be, submitted as a competition film.

Necromantik (1987)—Astralplay

Germans have been through a lot, so you have to cut them some slack. But not too much. This piece of ‘avant-garde’ ‘film’ ‘making’ does its best to make you puke while also drawing on many of the aesthetic conventions pioneered by Nick Millard—like, for example, lazy writing and boring cinematography peppered with random ‘shocking bits’. It’s a timeless story about a love triangle gone bad (a theme that’ll rear its head in the pain event): boy loves girl, girl loves rotting corpse, girl leaves boy for rotting corpse, boy despairs, becomes impotent, only to kill self while masterbating so he can win over his lost love as a stinky rotting corpse. Simple really, a tale as old as time, Shakespeare meet Buttgereit …oh and there’s some violence against animals and prostitutes sprinkled in for extra flavour. Probably best to never tell anyone you watched this….i’m looking at you future teachers….

Zombella’s Quest for Boner Pills (2008)—Zombella

It has now become something of a tradition to call any 800 numbers that appear on screen during a W.O.P. entry. This time it was boner pills. That’s right, boner pills to take with your sex chips. Zombella played it cool while the operator did their best to create the longest run-on sentence ever. Zombella did manage to get a few questions in, like; “can I grind up the pills and put them in my boyfriend’s mash potatoes?”, or “does it work for women?” Sadly, none of these questions were answered, and thus our attempt to spruce up Joe Manno’s sex life were thwarted.

Thunderground (1989)—TOAST

The only film to adhere to the criteria, though the presence of a WWE superstar was limited to about 5 minutes of screen time at the end of the film, despite Ventura’s prominence of the packaging. SECRETS AND LIES. Fulfilling criteria will be the only credit this film will get for anything, ever….except maybe the glorifying the hobo lifestyle. They clearly have a first rate medical and dental plan, cheap and ready access to a continental freight system for transportation, and, I mean, who wouldn’t want to live in Hobo Junction? COME ON!!!!??

PAIN EVENT: National Lampoon’s One, Two, Many (2008)—F. Max

Remember National Lampoon?? Remember when they produced decent entertainment? Me neither, but apparently they’ve come a long way, and by ‘come a long way’ I mean they’re doing the show business equivalent of staring into the abyss. I cannot even begin to put into words the madness that is this worthless garbage, but I’ll try… John Melendez (you know, the announcer from Jay Leno’s show, sound familiar? didn’t think so) is intimately involved in this labour of love which—other than acting as a non-anaesthetized frontal lobotomy for us viewers—serves two purposes: the first is to provide him an excuse to get his wife into bed with another woman (“but honey, this could be my big break! Finally a shot at the big time!”); the second is to act as a tax shelter for laundering money (for what we don’t know, but here’s proof they were trying to defraud investors by inflating stock prices: http://www.financialpost.com/executive/Story.html?id=1080162 could Melendez be an undercove SEC agent investigating the criminal improprieties of shitty cinema? hmmmmm). But reasons don’t matter, the point is this was a pain event that by all accounts slapped the living shit out us, put us into a camel clutch, broke our backs, fucked us in the ass, and made us HOMBLE. Damn you John Melendez. Damn you National Lampoon’s. And DAMN YOU F. MAX (cue Slayer’s ‘Cult’)…..Also, there’s speculation that the first third of this film is based on Wu-Li-Long-Wang’s adventures in amateur theater…only time will tell…

Mr. Jingles (2008)—Zombella

To finish off this most heinous of weekends, send in the clowns…well, just one insane/demonic/killer clown portrayed by a real life doctor of something. There’s really nothing quite like a killer clown story enacted with Michigander accents. Terrible from beginning to end. Yech.

All in all this was a momentous W.O.P. The setting was ominous, the weather was predictably hostile, and the breakfast was greasy. Thanks to F. Max for his hospitality, to Wu-Li-Long-Wang for his culinary skills, and to Ox for managing to survive all of Necromantik. Astralplay assumes the mantle of M.O.P. once again. And so ends another chapter.

December 27, 2008

Paincast 28 part 1

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 3:04 am

The first night of the controversial weekend of pain 28:

Shorts:

Series and Parallel Circuits (1996- Wu Li)
Incompetent wooden actors from Edmonton guide us through a journey on a trolley that teaches us about applying Ohm’s law to various situations that we’ll never come across in real life. Wu Li’s method of getting kids to be quiet for 30 damn minutes angers the painanites and nobody learns a thing. I think I played Dungeons and Dragons with that teacher…

Magical World of Harry Potter: The Unauthorized Story of J. K. Rowling (1999- Frenchimus Maximus)
Several people who are obviously very closely related to J.K. Rowling by virtue of them living somewhere in the U.K. tell us all their close personal stories about the author including the one guy who once said one of the words that ended up being in the printed version of one of the Harry Potter books which obviously makes him an expert on the topic. A case for frequent dental hygiene if nothing else.

Mary Kate and Ashley and the Case of the Volcano (1996- Frenchimus Maximus)
Musical numbers, unblinking hick prospectors and a terribly underused dog are featured in this complete debacle that somehow would have been buoyed by the presence of Bob Saget. A very telling scene with the twins’ hands covered in white powder… Wu Li would do this for $1000, the whore.

The pain continues, hopefully with some beer this time…

~Toast

September 2, 2008

Criteria

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 12:09 am

Although the date of the next Weekend of Pain is undetermined I have decided upon my criteria. Following in Toast’s ingenious idea I shall arbitrarily award bonus points for whomever meets my criteria in a satisfactory manner. Additional bonus points may be awarding in scale to how well prospective selections meet the criteria. Without further ado:

Submissions should ‘star’ or feature a main character that was/is a WWF/WWE performer/entertainer.

There will be an additional content bonus that I shall seal into an envelope before the Weekend of Pain and open it after all submission have been announced but before they have been viewed. A future penalty or bonus will ensue should the sealed contents be featured in any of the submitted features.

It is strongly advised to have additional submissions, unless you dare risk another ‘Driller Killer’ fiasco.

– Frenchimus ‘F-Max’ Maximus

August 27, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 5:31 pm

The story continues….

As the pain carries on….

Dave Nichol and the Toronto Gang of Eleven – They want you to buy Splendido bread from 1991. They have Splendido secrets for you. Lil’ olive oil, lil’ bit cheese, add a bit of…. DON’T BURN IT! Tasty cooking short. Make a pizza.

Colossus and the Amazon Queen – Tarkan vs the Vikings meets Wild Women of Wongo…. Old school chicks swimming, fighting, running, and bouncing. Trax’s submission to the ugliness. There is certainly a place for this.

Mr. Hercules Against Karate – 1973 Italian film with a big guy wanting companionship. Eventually he fights Karate to jutify the title. Hot chicks but no Hercules, at all.

PAIN EVENT – KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park – What?! The dude from James Bond’s License to Kill, super powers, star childs…. Hannah Barbera has its hands in everything…. Somehow this will make KISS money.

Baxter – A French Bull Terrier movie with English subtitles. The dog talks too much, which is what the whole movie is all aboot. He kinda kills people. Sometimes.

After all is said and done, the master of painship goes, very narrowly, to…. Frenchimus Maximus, the new Master of Pain as Toast carries the name of Right Honourable Archduke of Londonia.

A theme approaches, stay tuned.

Wu Li

August 26, 2008

Weekend of Pain XXVII Paincast – Episode I

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 9:02 pm

Crisp Autumn air, delightfully warm days, enormously large zucchini … yes, all signs point to another installment of the Weekend of Pain. Never-mind you that it’s during the week and Londonia has been replaced by the Casa De Bruno – Pain is on the menu, so let’s loosen up our belts and shovel as much as we can down our gaping maws and into our gullets.

SHORTS:

LAURA MCKENZIE’S TRAVEL TIPS: A VIDEO GUIDE ROME AND SURROUNDING DAY TRIPS (1985): If you happen to fancy shrill voices, mind-numbingly boring presentation, and overpriced hotels and ristorantes – well, do I have the VHS guide for you! Captured in possibly the dullest tones to come out of the 80s, this series pummels your aural capacities with narration that borderlines on violating the Geneva Convention. Apparently, if you are planning to travel to Rome and various parts of Italy during the mid-80s (a dream we all secretly share)prepare to be groped on buses, gouged by high prices and service charges, and to have your purse(s) stolen by scooter-bound thieves. Now, add a narrative that bores deep within your skull, piercing the deepest depths of your mind, leaving you wishing you had some sort of hand-held device to drive into your ear drums to deafen the high-pitched onslaught.

THE BANANA SPLITS SHOW: Great. A kid’s show that resembles a bad acid trip. No wonder so many lives of those subjected to this material have been empty, vacuous existences. The haunting chant of young girls singing ‘Terre-era-boom-dee-aye’ will render me incapable of a solid night’s sleep for at least a fortnight. There really is no redeemable quality to this drivel. Liberally add some child exploitation and creepy sexual innuendo courtesy Hanna Barbara and you’ve got a huge, flaming turd and absolute waste of your time.

DRILLER KILLER (2004, ASTRALPLAY – NOT CRAZYLEGS): A movie so wretched that three copies could have conceivably been submitted this weekend. Also, collectively it was decided to allow Astralplay to submit his copy of DRILLER KILLER in lieu of CrazyLegs, purely out of spite. Also, since reasonable doubt has been cast on CrazyLegs’ wrapping of his submission (in a mattress ad no less – classy) his impact on the Weekend of Pain has effectively been diminished to nothing. Huzzah. Onto the film! It’s a simple, age-old tale of boy-with-two-girls-meets-cordless-drill-and-hobos with mirth and murder resulting from this convoluted plot. Also, the two chicks dig each other more than the dude (likely because he’s incapable of painting a koala bear that doesn’t resemble a buffalo or properly button up his one pair of coveralls) and there’s some annoying band that practices loudly nearby. Gratuitous rabbit meat carving and transient drilling ensue. We can all die knowing we’ve witnessed a film containing a run-by-drilling. Kudos to you, Astralplay. Not only was this movie about as good as it was lit but you’ve managed to snub Crazylegs.

HOT TIPS, COOL LOOKS (1995, WU-LI): Keeping in theme with time travel how-to guides we have this exceedingly annoying selection from the Mary K archives. Apparently the mid-90s were quite the scene for sheer, glossy things and pointless comedic bits that miss the point entirely. Our host for this journey of pablum hopefully died of some crystal meth addiction or gang rape by a herd of koala-buffalo. It’s the only way that karma can be served.

MARTIN (1976 OR 1977, ZOMBERELLA): MARTIN brings us the story of an 84 years ‘young’ retarded vampire named Martin. Throughout MARTIN we are able to witness the daily struggles Martin has dealing with family that wants to destroy Martin, middled-aged women that want to seduce Martin, and Martin’s fondness of talk radio. We also learn that since Martin is a vampire that doesn’t believe in ‘the magic stuff’ he also isn’t much of a Don Juan of the undead and doesn’t often engage in ‘sexy stuff’. Sadly, we learn that Martin is the (un)living embodiment of a Megadeth song and wakes up dead. Shit on the language and shit on this movie. Martin. Martin. Martin.

LEFT BEHIND: WORLD AT WAR (2005, ASTRALPLAY): Our first entry from Cloud Ten and the LaLonde Bros. and it opens with a bang. Literally. Then nothing happens. Well, nothing until Christians are attacked with St.Patrick’s Day anthrax (the poison, not the band) and we learn that the Anti-Christ is a Romanian who’s in league with the Russians and Asians to destroy America. Who’d of thunk it? We’re treated to Louis Gossett Jr. as the all-terrain President, capable of withstanding a plummet out of high buildings and proficient in porcelain-based armaments. Along the way we learn that Kirk Cameron will abandon dying loved ones when there are heathen politicians to ‘save’, that wine can cure airborne viral plagues, and that turlette guns are wicked sweet.

APOCALYPSE: CAUGHT IN THE EYE OF THE STORM (1998, FRENCHIMUS MAXIMUS): Our second selection from Cloud Ten and them good ol’ LaLonde boys is this cut-and-paste approach to the End of Days. Get ready for heaping servings of stock footage and truly underwhelming special effects. Maybe being Left Behind isn’t such a bad idea, since you won’t have to share elbow room with any of the zealots behind this garbage. Time’s Man of the Year (and Most Trusted Man) features a chin that could have been parted by Moses himself and is more adept at grave-robbing his own father than being a journalist. We all would have been better off with a disc that played properly so we wouldn’t have to endure a few scenes twice or thrice over. Oh, and we’re ‘treated’ to a few cameos from Rexella and Jack Van Impe. At the end of the day at least we’ve learned it is wise to pack a turlette gun and leave incredibly clairvoyant messages on Post-It Notes on our foreheads.

– F-Max (a.k.a. Frenchimus Maximus)

May 7, 2008

WOP XXVII Theme

Filed under: Uncategorized — by jamesluke @ 2:51 pm

In my infinite wisdom I have decided on a theme for the next Weekend of Pain, whenever it shall be. The tentative title of the theme is “Say My Name”…

Adhering to the theme’s criterion is not compulsory. The normal weekend of pain rules apply for submissions. A very small number of bonus points will be added to the final tally for a film for each and every time that any character in the film (in dialogue or monologue, NOT in narration) says the full name of the movie exactly as it appears on either the box or the title card. No other variations of the movie’s name will be acceptable for bonus points. The exact bonus will be determined at a later time, but keep in mind that it will NOT be substantial. It will only make the difference between rankings if the films are very very close to begin with. If you are debating whether to bring a worse film or a film that more closely adheres to the theme, I would suggest that you bring the worse film.

As an example, the movie ‘Spiderman’ would receive a relatively large bonus (still not especially substantial), but the movie ‘Spiderman 3’ would receive no bonus. There may be other rewards for adhering to the theme…

Any questions may be posted using the ‘comment’ function below.

Toast

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